Personal – 79 Ministry

Father Please Remove This Fog

Dear God,

You know me better than I know myself. You know I’m not good at asking for things for me. I’m uncomfortable and feel like I’m in a fog on most days. Your word says that you don’t give us a spirit of fear, but of power and love and a sound mind. Heavenly Father, I lay down this fear today and ask you to perform this promise in my own life. Lord, I ask you to pour your spirit upon me today, to drive out the spirit of fear once and for all. Father please grant me physical and spiritual healing. Please fill me with your perfect love that casts out all fear. I desire to walk in your statutes. God, I desire to be your servant and fulfill your purpose for my life. I want to be a light in this dark world. I want to share my testimony of your goodness and deliverance. Heavenly Father please complete me and quicken me in the powerful name of Jesus Christ. Help me to see beyond my eyes and into the unseen purpose of and fulfillment of my salvation through the blood of your son and my savior. By his stripes we are healed.

In Jesus name,

Amen

Saul struck down by God

Saul (later named the apostle Paul), was suddenly and abruptly blinded by the Lord – and when his sight was taken away from him, he also did not eat or drink. What a mighty turning point, an immediate awakening by the hand of God upon this young, rich man’s life to say “nope, you’re mine and your life is about my Glory, not yours”….. The apostle Paul was a “chosen vessel” of the Lord. And the Lord said “great things Paul must suffer for HIS name’s sake.” In the word this morning I’m just thinking on how blind I was in my understanding of the Lord’s will in my life. How I’d tried to use the Lord to bless my life with the easy road… money, health, all the elements of “heaven on earth”, having no idea what the word meant by “those that love the world have enmity with God.” I used to pray for increase while ignoring those that had nothing. I used to pray for health and security, while looking at everyone suffering from illness as if they were a different breed, under some sort of curse (thinking that could never happen to us, we’re special). Why did Paul have to suffer for the sake of the Lord’s name? Why did a chosen vessel, housing the spirit of God not have a big mansion on a hill, perfect health, tons of friends and the story of happily ever after (on earth)? And through all Paul went through, beaten, jailed, lonely without a friend in the world, he said “I can do all things through Christ, who strengthens me”.. he had been taught by the Lord to endure unselfishly for the sake of others, to live outside of the worldly stuff that most folks make their objective and to boast only in the salivation of his soul, redeemed by the blood of Jesus. And through it all he rejoiced that he was found worthy of being tested and refined by his creator. Just sharing some of the thoughts I’ve had and continue to think about through our trials as I’m sure many are asking “why me” today… wondering why a Good God is allowing them to go through tough times.. have a blessed day in Jesus Christ.

Who are you – That little girl’s dreams

Who are you? when i was a little girl, this world was so full of wonder. I remember chasing butterflies, picking pears from the fruit trees, laying in the grass on my Granny’s front lawn staring at the clouds. I felt so small yet so important – purposed for something so much greater than my imagination could yet understand. I remember starting school and my kindergarten teacher brought in parents for a discussion of what we want to be when we grow up. They all seemed to have cool jobs (policemen, firefighters, plumbers). But I knew none of them were meant for me. I was going to be like Rainbow Bright, (my favorite cartoon character at the time). I would be gifted for the sake of helping others – I would travel about saving the day for people who needed my help. Fast forward many years later and the world said that was impossible – that I must fall in line with a system that dictates our worth by a set of principles called the American Dream. So, I got a normal job and worked endlessly to barely be able to put food on the table for my family while paying out my portion to the authorities that rule our lives. Over time I actually convinced myself that I could make a difference in this world by figuring out how to be a better participant in a broken system. By learning how to play by the rules, manipulating my way into groups of people that could profit me and jumping on the “keeping up with the Jones’” mentality, I had become proud of my accomplishments that profited ME. I was playing the game and I was learning how to win…. Win what? The bible says, and i’m paraphrasing, “if you gain the whole world and lose your soul, what have you gained?” When my world shattered and the aftermath was a period of pause – a stand still and complete loss of normalcy, I was left to the devices of my own thoughts. And like that little girl, I was brought back to the place of wonderment, staring out into the clouds from a hospital room, listening to the fragile sound of life over a set of screen monitors that released a continuous beeping noise of warning, asking God, “Who am I?” For the first time in 36 years, I could hear the voice of that little girl inside of me – the one that I had abandoned long ago – trading her dreams for someone else’s idea of who I am to become. In shame, I asked myself “What happened to you? You were meant for so much more.” Today, as we continue through trials and times of uncertainty – my faith is tested still. I look for mercy in a world where few understand the meaning. My heart has eyes to see and just like that little girl, wanting to make a difference – identifying so many things wrong that I was blinded to before. I look around at the differentials of life-form around me. So many people are crying out for help in their suffering, and at the same time others are boasting in their increase. I feel like I’m on the battlefield, waring against myself to not place judgement on those who are in the exact place where I came from. All the while, I want to scream out to people and shake them – to save them from a process that I’ve endured. Jesus said “I have come to cast fire upon the earth; and how I wish it were already kindled!” Perhaps we can’t know that we’re victors, if we haven’t first known what it’s like to be a victim. But I know this, I don’t want to gain the world anymore and I refuse to believe the lies that shape us into things we were never meant to become. By the Grace of God I trust in a purpose much greater than myself. I believe that I can lose everything that the world has to offer and be rich in HIS glory because I’m no longer a slave – a chess piece falling in line. I’m a child of God, redeemed by the blood of Jesus – a little girl chasing butterflies, picking fruit trees, laying on the lawn in wonder of HIS creation.
Luke 1:17 – “And he shall go before him in the spirit and power of Elias, to turn the hearts of the fathers to the children, and the disobedient to the wisdom of the just; to make ready a people prepared for the Lor

The Lukewarm Church – knowing I need Him

Who’s the Lukewarm chuch in the book of Revelations?…. When I first heard/read about the “Lukewarm Church”, my initial instinct was to point a finger at almost everyone I know that goes by the label “Christian”.. But as I study the word and surrender to the Lord each day, I see more, I hear more, I know more of HIS truth. Walking through Revelation 2:25, Jesus said that he knows our works and that we are neither hot nor cold, he WISHES we were cold or hot, but because we are warm He will spew us out of his mouth. STOP! Does that even make sense? Think about your mouth for a minute and that desire when you really want a hot meal. You sit down at a restaurant, order a juicy steak and can’t wait to taste the smoking hot bake potato with all the fix’ens on top. Then your meal arrives and it’s not hot. It’s not COLD, but it’s warm – just not as hot as you’d like it. If you’re the type that doesn’t like complaining and sending your food back, you’ll probably be just fine eating a “warm” meal. Yeah it’d be nice if it were hotter, but warm will do, right? Jesus said WARM is not going to do. He said he’d rather you be COLD than warm. Since you’re “warm, he will spew you out of his mouth”…. Why did he say this? Well, He explains exactly what he means. Jesus says “17 Because thou sayest, I am rich, and increased with goods, and have need of nothing; and knowest not that thou art wretched, and miserable, and poor, and blind, and naked:” Do you hear that? Is He NOT saying that we are blind?.. that we don’t even know we are sick? This is like walking around with food stuck in my teeth, pointing out to someone else “hey you need to go brush your teeth, you have food stuck in there” and never once looking in the mirror to make sure my own teeth are clean. We don’t know it! He said we think we have all we need, we think we’re rich, we think we’re blessed, we think we KNOW him, but we’re living a lie. So why would he rather us we be cold? If you’re sick and you know you’re sick, you’ll start looking for solutions.. You’ll start trying things and taking medicines and when nothing works out you’ll humbly fall into defeat at some point. But if you’re sick and you THINK you’re healthy, well then you don’t know that you need help. You’re just “pretending” you’re doing just fine, ignoring that awful cough. It’s like the woman that Jesus spoke to at the well. She basically said, “I’m good! I’m the seed of Abraham.”… Proudly boasting in a promise of God and she didn’t even realize that the Lord was standing right in front of her. She couldn’t see him because she wasn’t looking for him. She thought she was already rich – already a partaker of the promises of God. And the precious blood of her salvation was standing right in front of her saying, “If you knew who I was, you’d ask me for a drink of the living water”….. anyway, The Lord says that the meek and humble and lowly will inherit the Kingdom… To me that means the ones who KNOW how broken they are, how sick they are and how desperately they NEED Jesus everyday.. they don’t walk around saying “I’m saved. I’m good.. I got baptized already.. you other folks better do what I did and get saved”. But they instead seek HIM everyday begging him to finish their race, to guide them and teach them HIS ways in Love and to help them endure until the end because it’s not over until THE LORD says it’s over……. I read this chapter this morning and said “Lord please forgive me.. I AM the lukewarm church most of my adult life. Thank you for showing me how broke and poor and wretched and miserable and naked and BLIND I am.”

God bless you all in Jesus Christ today

Let God be true and every man a liar

Everyday I’m here, I’m given another opportunity to get it right.. I fail over and over but my Father in Heaven is merciful and long suffering. He knows I’ve been programmed and I’m all messed up in the head.. but through Jesus He opens the eyes of the blind, pulls me out of the darkness towards the light. Everyday I wake up and want to serve HIS kingdom.. I want to die to myself and follow Jesus.. but there’s always something trying to creep back in.. always something that causes me to want to correct another person – show them their thoughts are flawed because they differ from my thoughts… always something trying to make me feel offended or angry. The Lord said hold captive your thoughts.. boy, that’s not easy.. But I know He’ll get me there eventually, because as long as I’m chasing after Him, He’ll keep refining me and showing me that I just don’t know very much… “Let God be true, and every man a liar” – Romans 3

It’s Over… Journal Entry

June 17, 2016… Josh’s surgeon had just visited the family to let us know that he was in recovery (only 2 hours later than expected and after much anxiety and anticipation).. I went down the elevators and out the double doors and just fell to my knees crying… and I heard the Lord say “it’s over”… boy, it didn’t feel like it and the days and weeks and months to follow were far from easy.. but, never did we step foot back into the ER after that third and final brain surgery. I remember all the warnings and “percentage rates” of complications rambled off to me at discharge, all the “what if’s” and “could be’s”… but GOD said “its over”… I’m just feeling so grateful tonight. And yet so foolish at the same time. It’s always easy to look around and find something to be upset about, something to bring sorrow.. but, my Lord and Savior never leaves us, he never fails us, he never lies to us and he loves us so much he moved heaven and earth for us. His ways are not our ways because HE is perfect. The seen and unseen – he knows.. The beauty that comes after the ashes he’s already painted. I know the world seems like it’s gone crazy and there’s so much pain and heartache in our lives. But He’s not done yet… thank you Jesus

Praying with Kenna before the national anthem

I’m crying a lot this morning lol. When I was her age, I was “too cool” to live for something greater than me.. today as my little girl ran up to me and prayed with me hand in hand for the Glory of God to shine in her, I’m reminded of how much HE loves us… how much HE lives in us. It’s not about her singing, it’s about her walk with Jesus and the love he’s placed in her heart. The Lord said children are a blessing from God. This one right here is so special and I’m so thankful that He gave her to me.. for moments like this, to be reminded that no matter how difficult our trials may be, He’s with us.. He’s working out a beautiful plan in our lives and He’s using us for His glory in a way that may not make sense in the valley, but unfolds as He carries us up to the peak. Maekenna Manfred is my little bright light

Who are you?

If life seems to be going the wrong way, you might want to ponder who you are. One of the most beautiful moments of my entire life was also one of the most difficult moments. I can’t really express where I was mentally, because I was THAT defeated. I remember running into the spare bedroom and crying hysterically with my head in a pillow hoping the kids couldn’t hear me. I texted my mom and asked her if I could stay with her and then tried to figure out how I would explain to the kids, who were so excited to have me home for the first night in months, that I couldn’t be in our home. It was like walking into a crime scene for me. And opening our bedroom door to see everything was exactly as we’d left it that night, the bedside lamps still lit, i just felt like the air was knocked out of my lungs, like I was about to suffocate.. I just couldn’t be in this house and so many things going through my head, I wondered if Josh would ever step foot back into our home.. it was a real moment of weakness and I remember as I was laying there crying into that pillow, I heard a voice say “Im saving your family, remember your mothers dream.”.. I’m not going to talk about my mothers dream but I just want to say there’s no doubt, the Lord spoke to me at that moment and sent a great peace over me and showed me His love… which seems impossible because everything was so broken.. how can that be His love? Because he knows things we don’t.. yes, it’s His love. Tonight listening to a man of God he talked about why the Bible says judgement starts with His church. And as he walked through stories and scriptures of the refinement, I remembered that night.. that beautiful moment when I heard the Lord and He calmed me down and gave me understanding about a process that was for our good. The greatest gifts are coming to the vessels that have nothing of themselves in them, and everything of Jesus.. being purged hurts.. it stings bad, but it’s the process of something beautiful in the making. It’s hard to rejoice in our trials but there’s a reason for the things we go through, for the qualifying, buying Gold of Jesus “tried by the fire” and a reason the apostles said to rejoice. I don’t mean to ramble on this just want to say if things are hard right now, seek the Lord for understanding.. hang in there, He’s doing something to you and preparing you for a type of work we can’t yet understand. But we can be sure that’s it’s all good ❤️

Why not me?

Why not me??? You ever felt left out when others testify of what Jesus has done in their lives? Or sat in a church as the preacher says “just bow your head and ask the Lord to come into your heart”.. then look around searching for evidence of change but you don’t feel any differently. I remember thinking to myself, what works for others just doesn’t work for me. I don’t have miracles in my life. I don’t have all these blessings others have or the joy of Jesus in my heart.. I’m clapping my hands, but only because everyone else is clapping their hands, I don’t really feel like singing this silly song. I guess I’m just different – not chosen – not good enough…. sadly those inner thoughts were something I never admitted. It was just easier to pretend “yeah I believe.. yeah I know Jesus”… knowing in my heart that I had no conviction or objective evidence of Christ in my life. Was I waiting upon the Lord and didn’t even know it? Or was I just drifting through life with bitterness that my lot wasn’t fair? The word of God says there is an appointed time for everything. Isn’t it odd that even in the life of Jesus himself, he was just a carpenter – seemed like a regular guy until “the appointed time” for His Ministry to begin? And when God spoke from the Heavens over His son Jesus, they didn’t say “yeah! It’s finished. Time to sing and rejoice and throw a party!”… No. At that appointed time Jesus had to be led into the wilderness where he was starving and alone and tempted of the devil for 40 days. If I’m really contemplating that story, and trying to put myself there in his shoes… I would probably be questioning the hand of God on my life.. if God is for me, why am I starving? If God is for me, why am I all alone in the desert? And the devil was whispering “if you’re really the son of God, you’d be able to turn this stone into bread.”… was that not designed to make even Jesus question who he was? Of course it didn’t work.. but the story is amazing.. THE SON OF GOD was starving in the desert with a lying spirit tempting him to question if he was really the son of God. Here’s my point.. how often do we look at others who are leading these “perfect lives” and assume God is blessing them and cursing us? We think that the evidence of Christ in our lives is success and happiness, but that’s never been true biblically. The disciples, the apostles and even Jesus had to endure seasons of great difficulty before receiving the gifts of God’s Holy Spirit to walk with them in their lives.. and when that happened, none of them used those gifts for personal gain – they became servants of others. They sacrificed, they operated in love and their hearts were full of the promise of a kingdom not on this earth but the one to come. I just read some of these stories of the Bible in amazement of how backwards my life philosophies have been all my life. I thought I’d truly know Jesus when I finally found success and happiness.. when I had achieved a place to carry the testimony of my new car and my big house and my excellent health and perfect body (then I could say, hey look what God did, I’m blessed!)…. No. I found Jesus when I was suffocating.. defeated.. stretched beyond my ability to carry on with no strength left in my broken down, eyes swollen shut, fragile body. Today I just want to say thank you LORD for the pain that led me into the wilderness where I had nothing left but YOU… thank you for being my HOPE when there was no hope, my voice when I didn’t have the strength to speak, my eyes when I couldn’t see beyond the destruction and my heart that was shattered and broken so that you could plant a seed and fill it back up with love. ?