Author: 79ministry_j1dh4u

I recently met Lisa Aldrin through my Crisis.  Her writing this morning spoke to my heart.  And if you’re in a crisis, you need to hear this message!  Thank you Lisa for letting me share your heart this morning.  Here are the words of this beautiful woman of God on the subject of #crisis.

Websters dictionary defines crisis as a time of intense difficulty, trouble or danger.
It’s a”turning point” or a crossroads.
A sequence of events that the trend of all future events is determined.

They say that “Crisis comes at the curve of change”.
I know this to be true in my life. Every time I had a major crisis, God was changing the direction of my life.
When God’s about to change your life, all Hell breaks loose.
Its Chaotic and crazy.
You thought your life was fine the way it was going. Then he took your life in a whole different direction you never expected.

He will change your friends, Your job, your work, your church, where you live…Everything!
Before God moved me to Texas all hell broke lose in California.
In my family, my church, My parents, my friends, everything was turned upside down. That’s because God was trying to move me out.
California was my “comfort zone” It’s what I was familiar with. I knew the roads, the towns, the cities, the laws, the people and Business.
But when God’s trying to do a New thing in our lives, he takes us out of our element.
And in order to get us to move forward and grow, God has to stir the nest and push you out!

God illuminates things in a crisis. The people you thought were “FOR” you, were shockingly against you.
He exposes the hearts of your friends and relatives. He removes wrong people out of your life and replaces them with “right people”.
Everythings turns upside down in a crisis.

1)Crisis reveals #YOUR True heart. And exposes your faith or fear.

2) Crisis reveals “#otherpeople’s” true hearts.

3)Crisis dosent “make” who we are. It #reveals who we are.

When Crisis came to Jesus, he was about to go through the trial of his life, his whole life’s purpose was wrapped up in “#DyingToLive”
so we could have eternal life.
And in his time of crisis (going to the cross) it revealed his disciples true hearts.
Peter was cutting people’s ears off. Fighting the will of God. Trying to tell Jesus that he didn’t need to “lay down his life” but rather fight for it?…
Jesus asked Peter, do you love me? Peter said Yes Lord, you know I love you. Jesus asked him again, Peter do you love me?Peter responded: Lord you know I love you!!♥️
Jesus knew that Peter loved him. But his love was shallow.

Jesus said If you love me Peter, then #Prove it to me and “feed my sheep”…
3’x feed my sheep. (John 21:15-22)
Jesus knew Peter needed to grow up. He wanted action behind Peters love. Not just lip service. He knew Peter would deny him.
Jesus told Peter your going to deny me, Before the cock crows you will deny me 3 times.
Peter said Lord I will #never deny you…(but he did)
Because when everything gets messy, that’s when we see how strong we really are.
It’s shows where our faiths at. Do we have real sustaining faith in the trial or will we cave into fear?

In the crisis Peter was double minded. He was unstable. He said one thing, and then did another.
Peter thought he was strong, but when the pressure hit he couldn’t stand up for Christ. The one that he said that he loved and believed in.

Jesus asked his disciples: To Pray with him in this horrible trial he was going through but his disciples caved in.
The spirit is willing but the flesh is weak.
Christ asked them: Could you not tarry with me one hour?

Jesus was also at a crossroads, a point of surrender.
God the Father was working on his heart seeing if Jesus would surrender to God’s will, even when it cost him his life.
Jesus asked the father, if this cup could pass from him? He didn’t want to go through the pain of God’s perfect will. (Who does???)
But ultimately Jesus let go of his will and surrendered to the father.
This is what happens to us in a crisis. It’s the fight, the struggle of what WE want, oppose to what Christ wants to do in us.

God’s ways are higher than our ways. We THINK we know how God ought to do things. We think we know what’s best for us and everyone involved.
WE think God should do things our way.

It’s the point of faith and trust in God.
God always has the final say. And one day we will understand why as our destiny unfolds in him.
It’s a #Glorious Life?
Lisa Aldrin~

When I read Lisa’s words this morning I could feel the Holy Spirit strongly speaking to me about the definition of CRISIS….  In your CRISIS.. {Christ-Is}

Over the last few days, I’ve felt more vulnerable than ever before in my life.  Maybe not on the grand scale of what “we” have endured – but as an individual, crying out for help.  Admitting that I’m just not that strong – laying my heart down regardless of what that looks like from another’s point of view.

Over the last few days, I’ve felt overwhelmed by the conversations I’ve had with people I don’t even know.  Then today, I remembered a guy that I met while we were living in the hospital named Raymond.  He was all alone sitting outside in the courtyard in front of TIRR, flicking a cigarette over the side of his wheelchair.

“How are you today?”  I asked him.  His eyes lit up as he turned around to look at me.  A few minutes later we were caught up in a deep conversation about his life story.  Raymond told me about the tragic accident – he’d went in for a surgical procedure and woke up paralyzed from the waist down.  His wife left him shortly after.  He had no friends or family to care for him.  Then he turned to alcohol and drugs and became homeless.

I remember praying over Raymond as this bald-headed, tattoo’d, tough looking guy cried out-loud like a baby.  And when I was saying goodbye, Raymond asked me.  “How do you know God loves me?”

At the time, I was caught off guard by the question.  I didn’t know how to speak for God.  I knew that God loved Raymond.  I knew that Raymond’s life had a very special purpose – that he’d not yet found.  But, who was I to speak in place of the Great Almighty?  “Raymond, he’s got you here for a reason.” I explained, half-way avoiding the question to deliver the only truth I was given in that moment.

In the last two years, I’ve experienced God’s love.  I’ve felt His presence and felt the fear too – of feeling like He had left me.  I’ve had encounters few would believe.  And I’ve had messages from Heaven delivered in ways I would never have expected.  I know GOD.  But, how do I convey that to others?

Others say, “tell people about Jesus!  Spread the good news.”  For many months now I’ve struggled with what it means to carry my cross and follow Jesus.  I’ve spent moments of weakness hanging onto his words – seeking his truth and begging him to tell me my purpose.  What do I do God?  How do I serve your kingdom?  Please, just tell me what you want me to do!

I try to look for opportunities to tell people about Jesus.  I research prophecy and follow a number of speakers who hold sermons to talk about the Bible.  The more I learn, the more I want to share.  But those moments of revelation, when I feel something stirring in my own heart, never seem to carry the power of the Holy Spirit when I regurgitate the things I learn.  Until I started writing – not about bible verses or prophecy or lessons I carry away from studying scripture.  I started writing about my life.. my testimony.  My book suddenly started pouring out effortlessly.  And then, I started this blog.

But I felt guilty, realizing that my life looks nothing like the people smiling and singing and clapping that I meet at church…  (and i really worried that I might be upsetting God) – What I’m writing goes against everything I’ve been taught about what a Christian life should look like.  Something inside of me starting stirring, like a voice that was screaming out “stop pretending you’re OK!  Tell the truth. Tell your testimony.”  Yet another voice said, “How can you bring people to Jesus if you look like this broken down rag?  Who could possibly want what you have?”

God will not let his children by hypocrites.  I’m going to type that again because I’m speaking right into my own heart.  GOD WILL NOT ALLOW HIS CHILDREN TO BE HYPOCRITES.  Jesus cried. Jesus sweat blood from his body as he begged and prayed in terror (trembling),  “Father if there is any way possible, please take this cup from me!”  Jesus knew sorrow.  He knew fear.  And Jesus even knew temptation…

Why would it be written that he was tempted of the devil TO JUMP?  Seriously consider this….  A temptation is something extremely difficult to overcome – yet I’ve glazed over that story so many times never asking myself, “Why would satan tempt Jesus to jump?”  He said, “If you’re the son of God, you know that He will send his angels to catch you.”…  so….. is that a good enough reason to jump? No, it’s not.  Why would Jesus even be in a position to consider jumping off that cliff?  Does the son of GOD, Jesus Christ of Nazareth not understand what it’s like to feel so hopeless, and so sorrowful that he could be tempted with the idea of just ending it all?

I’m just going to leave that out there to linger, and quote Hebrews 4 – “For we have not an high priest which cannot be touched with the feeling of our infirmities; but was in all points tempted like as we are, yet without sin.”  Jesus knows how we feel.  In the darkest hours of our lives when we can’t even bear the thought of seeing the sun rise on another day, HE KNOWS.

So why do Christians pretend life is so great?  Why do we walk through our days, smiling and quoting scriptures – teaching people but refusing to let the Lord teach us – which can only take place when we surrender everything we are at the cross.  I just can’t do it anymore.  I just can’t live a lie under the eyes of the Almighty Father in Heaven that knows I’m not at all as put together as I try to pretend I am.  He knows I’m tempted. He knows I’m broken and suffering greatly. He knows, and if He’s the only one I have to answer to, why would I hide what I really am to try to impress other people?  Am I afraid of what the world thinks of me, when the word of God says “To love the world is to have enmity with God?”

Laying myself out there is proving to be an experience that the Lord requires of me at this stage in my life.  It’s hard.  But it’s also freeing.  And most importantly, He’s using my brokenness to bring people to Jesus.  In just the last few days, I’ve had meaningful talks with people that need hope.  They don’t come to me because I look like my life is perfect.  They’re coming to me because I’m bearing my cross and admitting how much I hurt.  They know that I understand they’re pain, (and people want to know they aren’t alone – they want to fellowship with someone who can relate to their anguish).  I can’t even get through the first 2 minutes of these stories without bursting out into tears – wanting to smother these people with love.  I thank the Lord for choosing me to minister to others – that through Him, I can be important to his kingdom, even when on the outside my life looks like a shattered mess.

Raymond asked me.. “How do you know he loves me?”  I wish I could talk to Raymond again today.  I wish I knew how to reach him, because I finally have the answer to his question.  I know God loves Raymond because I love Raymond – and HE who now lives in me, showing me HIS love – allowing me to witness his love first hand, through the eyes that he’s given me to see, HE WHO LOVES RAYMOND has given me the ability to love all the Raymonds out there in this broken world.  God is love.

Nothings great.  Nothings fixed.  Life is hard.  But I feel like the Lord is really using me right now for HIS glory, and I wouldn’t trade that feeling for anything.  In fact I wish I could share it with everyone.

So my question is, why do Christians do this?  Why do we hide away our brokenness and pretend our lives are so perfect?  For me, in this season I’m learning to let the world see my weakness, (as Jesus did), and let GOD do the rest…

“Who can have compassion on the ignorant, and on them that are wayward; for he himself also is beset with weakness.” – Hebrews 5:2

The Lord put it on my heart awhile back to pray and intercede for others.  And in starting the new prayer services on Thursday, I now look for situations to add to my prayer list throughout the week.  Some people message me (privately) with prayer requests – others share their burdens outwardly posting on social media and asking all of their friends to pray for them.  I document those too.

Over the last several weeks I’ve noticed a trend in people who are hurting as a result of various situations dealing with family.  Some of these folks I’ve spoken to directly.  Others I’ve watched – only reading about their sorrows.  Recently, texting with a woman, she poured her heart out about the crazy (honestly it’s pretty crazy) things family members have put her through.  From lawsuits to unthinkable burdens that have been placed on her and her children as a result of family disputes.  I felt a feeling of sadness come over me because I had no advice for her.  I don’t have good news about divorce, I’ve never been through lawsuits with people in my family.  Her story wasn’t my story and I know the Lord doesn’t want me to testify on subjects that he didn’t give to me. But, this subject keeps coming up – like the faster I run away from testimonies of family issues, the more God is putting this in my face.  Then, as we were speaking something amazing happened.

In prayer, (yes i went straight to Him, before reaching back out to her),  I was given remembrance of words that Jesus delivered to a crowd of people, (a scripture I’d read many times, never understanding the meaning).  A question raised by the son of God himself – WHO IS MY FAMILY?  In the book of Mathew, someone said to Jesus, “Your sister and your brother are waiting outside.  They want to speak with you.”  Jesus gave a strange reply – as he answered and addressed the crowd.  He said, “Who is my mother and who are my brothers?”  Then he stretched his hands out toward his disciples and he said, “Behold, here are my mother and my brothers… For whoever does the will of my Father in Heaven – they are my mother and my brothers.”

I remember reading this scripture many times before, thinking to myself, That seems kind of harsh.  Why would Jesus deny his mother and brother – leave them standing outside as he basically said to the crowd, “they aren’t mine, the ones that do the will of God are mine.”  The actions of Jesus seemed to go against everything I’ve been taught about family – that family (blood relatives) are to be our lifeline of help, our source of LOVE .  And even the Bible gives warning about the importance of caring for your family and tending to their needs.  In 1 Timothy it is written, “But if any provide not for his own, and specially for those of his own house, he hath denied the faith, and is worse than an infidel.”  Are the messages of Jesus denying his mother and brother and the warnings in Timothy conflicting?  I got my answer.  NO….  In that moment of prayer the Lord pieced together a puzzle that I’ve never before been able to see completely.

In understanding that God knows the beginning from the end in each of our lives, HE KNOWS we will face heartache in family matters.  He knows that brothers will betray bothers, mothers will betray children and children will betray fathers (also written in Mathew and Luke) – families will face division and will hurt one another in a variety of ways.  They will hurt you.  They will abandoned you.  They will let you down even when you need them the most.  So how do we deal with the disappointment when loved ones throw us to the wolves?

I thought about another recent conversation I’d had with a man who was suffering through devastating circumstances.  Unlike the woman from the text messages, his family had nothing to do with the original source of his pain.  They weren’t taking him to court or placing burdens upon his children.  It’s what they didn’t do that had become the source of his pain.  He felt abandoned by the ones he loved most, in a time that he needed them.  He spoke to me about his mother – telling me how close they once were.  He said, “She was the one I thought would stand by my side no matter what.  I was wrong.”  As the man poured out his heart to me, I could feel his pain and his anger too.  And I myself felt angry, thinking about my own children and asking myself the question, What kind of mother disappears when her children need her?  And the Lord said, I am love.

Let me try to break this down the best I can.  Not all of us came from beautiful brady bunch families.  Some of us were victims of divorce, and strife within the system of “family” at very young ages.  Some of us were shown that love is screaming and yelling – even physical violence.  Some of us were shown that love is “me first” – mothers that seek companionship from a man rather than putting their children at the top of their priority list.  Fathers that do the same.  So many daddy’s leave.  Parents die in tragic accidents.  Parents struggle to deal with their own lot and turn to things like alcohol and drugs – leaving their kids in a sense of loneliness.  And this is only the short list of generational curses that plague families in so many ways today – resulting in a domino effect of children who don’t know love, then grow up to be adults that are not familiar with true, unselfish love.  But GOD is love.

Friends, we don’t all KNOW GOD – at least not yet.  I certainly didn’t now Him most of my life, despite claiming that I was a Christian, saved by the blood of Jesus Christ.  But just like I was in darkness – led to the light, I believe all who belong to him will experience that same process at some point – at the Lord’s appointed time.  And sometimes that process in others will lead to God workting through YOU to be the light that loves someone else, teaching another true love – His love.

In both stories (the woman with the family burdens and the man that felt abandoned) I could sense bitterness in the pain.  I even felt it creeping into me, wanting to reach out to these people and say “Are you crazy bringing a lawsuit against your family member?!”  or wanting to reach out to that mother and ask, “What kind of mother isn’t there for her own son when he’s in need?”  But God said, I am LOVE.  See, if God lives in us, then we are the light in the darkness.  And even though that darkness may not comprehend the light right now, if God sends YOU to be the light at his appointed time, you will be the very one that introduces REAL LOVE to those who were placed in your life for his Glory.  And that’s where we have a choice:  Seek God to work in us even through our pain.  Or, pass the baton and the generation curse moves on to the next victim.  Saying, “I’ll show them.” isn’t being the light.  Saying, “I’ll get them back – I’ll show her the same cruel treatment she showed me,” isn’t being the light.

Hear me out on something – we all have a testimony on this subject, even I didn’t realize it until the Lord revealed this to me.  I didn’t know love either – didn’t have a dad (lost both of my step-dads) and felt like a burden that would never live up to my mom’s expectations.  Fast forward and I grew up to be a pretty awful wife to my husband, and mother to my kids.  And Josh wasn’t good to me either.  He has hurt me in the past in ways that are difficult to talk about.  He’s made me feel unimportant, worthless.  He’s broken my trust time and time again.  But today, everything I once thought I loved about my husband has been taken away.  He isn’t the tall, muscular handsome guy that used to make me feel safe, (yes, I loved feeling safe having a big strong guy around to protect our family).  He isn’t the 6-figure earning breadwinner of our family anymore.  He isn’t the father that relieves my stress with tough love as the disciplinary of our children – they no longer fear him, which puts pressure on me to be the nurturing mom and disciplinary dad at the same time.  Yet, I love my husband today more abundantly than I ever could have in the past.  Because loving him for what he can give to me is NOT TRUE LOVE.  And I know it’s not my doing – the love I have now, I’m not capable of without God living in me.  This isn’t my love at all – it’s the Love of He who lives in me.

I know my husband did nothing to deserve for me to love him the way I do today – to sacrifice my life in order to take care of his needs.  Just like I don’t deserve for the Father to love me and forgive me by the wrath that was poured out onto his only begotten son Jesus.  This unselfish, un-expecting, unconditional love I have today for my husband is a gift from God because he chose me to be the light.  He is using my vessel, to be the one (in an appointed season) to show my husband what real love is.  Love that forgives.  Love that can’t be earned.  Love that can’t boast in pride.  Love that gives everything, expecting nothing in return.  Josh can probably never repay me for the sacrifices I’ve made for him – and that’s just beautiful to me because I need nothing – JESUS IS ENOUGH.  Just like I can never repay my Heavenly Father for sending Jesus to shed his holy blood for my salvation, (when I deserve death).  So instead of asking yourself, “What is my family not doing for me?”  Ask yourself how the Lord might be using your trials to be the light in the darkness for them, or for someone else – remember who are true mothers, brothers and sisters are.

Jesus gave the answer when he delivered that question to the multitude, “Who is my mother and who are my brothers?”  In simple terms, we open our eyes.  We stop placing expectations on people we THINK the Lord sent to love us and care for us in our short lives here, and we allow the spirit of God to show us the ones he HAS sent to love us and care for us during seasons of difficulty.  That also can mean letting go of pride.  Maybe your mother or brother won’t help you but someone else is standing by – waiting for the Lord to send them to you.

I’ve done this thing called “privacy” my whole life.  I share my deepest sorrows only with those who I call family, while placing a false image of completeness in front of everyone else in my life.  A stranger asks, “How is your day?” I answer “Great. thank you.”  A family member asks the same question and my answer is very different.  I rely on family to feel my pain and CARE about my needs – to help carry my burdens.  I confide in family and lay down my sorrows in front of them, expecting them to care.  Why do we do only depend on blood relatives, and hide our real-selves from the rest of the world?  For me, I think the answer is pride.  Foolish pride.  And if I’m being honest, that makes me a liar too.  If a friend asks, “Can I do something to help you?”  Why would I answer with “Nah, I’m good,” then hang up the phone and call my mother to tell her how much help I need right now.  Am I denying God the testimony he placed in my life while closing the very doors that he’s opening for me?

Look, I can’t deny that we live in a time of great selfishness.  I also don’t think we know what we do.  We’re all like rats in a cage running as fast we can to keep up with that image of what we think our lives should look like.  We don’t carry eachothers burdens as we should.  We don’t look for ways to enhance another’s life – we look for ways to enhance our own lives.  We need bigger homes, faster cars, better electronics, more luxurious vacations and more advanced cell phones so we can post wonderful pictures of our “blessed lives”.  Notice, when the lights went out and flood waters rose in Houston – when people were removed from the rat race, though only for a few days, we CARED.  Our true character was revealed when the world stopped spinning in Houston, (there was nothing to go achieve, nothing to go buy, nothing to seek in advancing our own lifestyles during those days), and all we could see was an opportunity to help our brothers and sisters.  Flip the switch back on and everyone returns to the rat race.  We know not what we do.

And then, there’s the other side of these generational curses.  I spoke to a woman last week who was confessing something very painful to me.  She recently lost her mother.  And she told me about a time her mom had reached out to her for help.  The mom had recently been forced to file bankruptcy and needed a car.  So, she reached out to the daughter (the woman telling the story), and asked her to co-sign a loan to help her buy a car.  “I told her I couldn’t help her because I couldn’t put anymore debt on my credit.”  She explained.  The woman sobbed as she confessed her heartfelt hurt, “I’d do anything to go back to that day and say yes to my mother.”  And today, this woman is a Godly woman (brought out of darkness into the light of Jesus Christ.).  Sometimes repentance doesn’t come until we lose something very valuable that we can’t ever get back. Sometimes we don’t realize how meaningless things like money or credit scores are until we suffer true loss of things that really matter to us – like the lives of our loved ones.  Even in those situations, God is glorified because the pain that leads to repentance, and realizing our shortcomings and mistakes, leads us to the cross of Jesus Christ.  Hurt is not easy, but it can soften our hearts if we just let God into our pain.  He gave us everything (forgiveness), when we deserved nothing but death.  And through that process, he leads us to the light.  Trust his process in your life and in your loved ones lives.  Pray for them and love them, while refusing to pick up the baton and carry bitterness to the ones who are watching how you respond to hurt, hardship and situations that you face.  Choose love..  Choose forgiveness..  Choose to let GOD be GOD, and trust his process (not our own process).

I don’t know if this post will help anyone today.  But I feel the Lord putting this subject in front of me repeatedly for a reason.  My hope and my prayer is that we can all learn to love our family and pray for our family – while removing the expectation that they will love us back.  I pray that we can learn to not judge one another, remembering that all of us were in the darkness – only finding the light when Jesus stepped in at an appointed season to open our hearts and teach us what LOVE really is – teach us kindness and selflessness – teaching us how to love our neighbors and even our enemies too.  My prayer is that we can let down foolish pride and be honest when we’re not OK – not just to family but look for the ones GOD is sending to be the hands and feet of Jesus during our storms.  I pray that we can learn to be that for someone too – walking out the instructions of Jesus (not by our own choosing), but asking Him to guide us as and show us how to full-fill the purpose he has for our lives.  And remember, needs come in different shapes and sizes.  Not long ago I thought money was the only way to help people.  If I had it to give and the Lord showed me someone in need, I went to work trying to help them.  Today, I don’t have money and the Lord is showing me a new way to help people.  Everyone’s not poor.  Some are sick, some are imprisoned, some are suffering great loss and some are heart broken and hanging be a thread – looking for HOPE in impossible situations.  The Lord is showing me how to be a sister to those I may hardly even know (and let them be there for me too).  To listen to people.  To cry with people.  To love people as my own blood, expecting nothing in return.

In closing, I don’t believe Jesus was being harsh – he wasn’t denying his brother and mother.  He was teaching us that family has a much broader meaning than what the world teaches us.  That FAMILY has little to do with our blood, and everything to do with His blood.  My hope with this ministry (this calling upon my life) is that I can have the opportunity to be your family.  And I sincerely mean that.  If you need prayer, please let us pray for you.  If you’re struggling right now with something in your life, write us and tell us about it.  Josh and I want to love you.  We want to be your brothers and sisters and carry our cross for a purpose that glorifies our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.

I love you guys very much.  Hope you have a blessed day in Jesus Christ.

Father, I ask you to forgive us and I thank you for your grace as you know our true hearts, that we don’t always allow you to lead us and as we’re caught in this world ruled by the prince of the air, sometimes we don’t know what we do.  Please cover all those who are hurting today and heartbroken with your love and peace and understanding.  Help us to see through the pain at the beautiful testimonies you are working inside of our lives and to embrace the tears as a qualification to be gifted with your compassion toward others who are hurting too.  Please continue to show us what it means to be the light, help us to overcome bitterness and fill us with your true love – unselfish and unconditional love.  Father, I thank you for your grace and mercy. I thank you for the many brothers and sisters you give us all over the world and I thank you for tearing down our walls of pride and helping us to see that YOU are where our help comes from.  Thank you for building our faith and helping us to trust in you even when things seem impossible.  Thank you for giving us truth, and help in breaking generational curses upon our lives.  I love you Lord and I thank you with my all heart for the salvation of Jesus Christ.

In the mighty name of Jesus, Amen.

I met with a very special woman this week for coffee – a woman that I never had the chance to get to know in the past, and hadn’t been very kind to.  Sometimes our surroundings and circumstances choose for us which group we belong to and who we just don’t care for much – a silly and shameful process of division that I’d bought into throughout stages of my life.  The Lord put it on my heart a few weeks ago to apologize to this woman.  And I’m so glad He did.

We sat in Starbucks, trading turns telling stories about our kids and about our hardships, when a topic came up in conversation that made my insides churn – people who abandoned you in the storm.

While we are enduring very different trials, both of us have experienced great loss.  And, both of us are still very seated in our journeys through the storm – paddling our way through rough waters toward a hoped for place of normalcy up ahead.  This woman had lost everything in Harvey – their home and all of the belongings they’d accumulated throughout their lives, save her precious family that was rescued by a canoe leading them to dry land on the night the dam waters came rushing into Kingwood.

She asked me, “Are the people you thought would help, there for you through all of this?”  I fought back tears as I sorted through the truth of that matter in my mind – something I do often, but feel ashamed to admit out loud.  Bitterness is like a shadow that follows me around.  I will myself to lose that shadow, and I ask the Lord to take it from me, but it has reared its ugly head lately, more than before.  Throughout my life I’ve learned to ignore that feeling of being let down by people I love – clinging to a self-made motto of independence.  I would tell myself I don’t need anyone, I can get through this alone.  But a different side of bitterness is found when you see those you love most hurting because of the actions of others.

This woman spoke about her closest life-long friends that never even called to ask, “What can we do to help you?”  And then the other side of the spectrum in God’s beautiful puzzle pieces – she told me about a man she’d never met that showed up to assist her family in finding safety that night in the little boat.  I was reminded of a high school friend that did a beautiful thing for us when we were in the hospital – Josh fighting for his life.  I told the woman, “We haven’t even spoken to her in decades, yet she treated us like close family – coordinating prayers for us and setting up a page to collect donations to help our family with the astronomical medical expenses we would soon face.”

As this woman spoke deeper about her own burdens and the subject of her children surfaced, I could feel the deepest parts of her pain – the hurt on behalf of the ones she loves most dear.  The same place my deepest sorrows are found.  I think through all that my husband has been through and this most difficult fight that he fights now with each new day – feeling abandoned by so many, and searching for purpose here on Earth, the “what’s next” in a place of forgotness.  I think of my kids who have no choice but to swallow this pill of a new normal – and the overwhelming impact on their young lives.  They all appear so strong on the outside but I see the tears that no one else does.

Leaving this coffee shop conversation, I spent most of the rest of my day facing my bitterness.  I asked the Lord “Where does my help come from?”  And a scripture I know well immediately entered my mind.

“I lift up my eyes to the hills– where does my help come from? My help comes from the LORD, the Maker of heaven and earth.” – Psalm 121

Sitting alone on my back patio, I cried harder than I’ve cried in a long time.  I thought about a quote that I’d recently read in a book written by a mother who’s only son was sentenced to life in prison without parole.  Paraphrasing, she said, “Every person that walks through the unthinkable circumstances of great loss, needs at least one person to walk with them.”  The Lord reminded me that he moved my mom across country (in a move that made zero sense), into the home directly behind me just a month before Josh’s stroke.  She may not have the means to help in everything that we struggle with and face, but she listens and she cares.  My mother calls me every single day just to ask the question, “Are you OK?”  I bowed my head and thanked the Lord for my mother.  Then, I asked, “What about Josh God?”  Who’s there for him?  And the Lord said, “I sent you.”

Sometimes the heaviness of all the weight I feel on my shoulders is too much for me to take, and those are the times when I let bitterness creep in.  I scream out “I can’t do this by myself!  Where is everyone!”  I look at my family through a lens mixing self-pity with love, whispering, “I will be there for them until the day I die.”  And I mean it.  But I wasn’t always this way.  I didn’t always carry the unselfish love of Jesus Christ in my heart.  In fact there were times I was an absolute horrible mother.  I was a dreadful, self-centered wife and I spent more days thinking about what people didn’t give me, instead of what I was giving to them.  I’ve lived in dark places mentally – and I was not the one that broke that chain.  God did it.

These trials we face offer a choice.  And I’ve faced trials of much smaller magnitudes my whole life, making the wrong choice – to turn a cheek or to carry-on with the mindset of “what’s best for me.”  It took a big one – a trial that sent me to my knees in unspeakable pain and hopelessness for the Lord to break my heart open and fill it with unselfish love.  He changes us when we say “Yes Lord.”  He gives us purpose to be “that one” someones needs – like a lifeline in the midst of everything shattered.

Through this revelation in facing my own bitterness, I can’t say “yes Lord” for anyone else – I can only control my own choice of servitude to my Father.  I’m reminded of all the times I turned my back on people I loved.  I’m reminded that the LORD is the finisher of our faith and our stories.  And that glimpse of truth into my own walk with Jesus from the darkness into the light helps me to see bitterness differently – to see my own bad decisions, when the Lord gave me opportunities to be there for others and I chose not to.  I see my own ugliness and my multitude of sins all those times I let my kids down – forgetting that they were a blessing God gave me.  I see the disgust in me as I cursed the day I was married, caught up in heated arguments with Josh in the past, forgetting all the times I had prayed and asked God “Please give me Josh in my life.”  Yes, I loved that man so dearly when I was a teenager swooning over his dark eyes and dimpled smile.

God gave me a beautiful family.  He has gifted me with the very things my heart desired most and I failed HIM over and over again.  Realizing my own faults, he shows me where bitterness can end.  He shows me to stop looking around at everyone that has left us behind and to thank HIM that HE never will leave us behind.

Forgiveness is hard to find in search of those closest to us – because it’s easier for us, knowing their circumstances to justify all they should’ve done differently.  But pain is a part of life.  We will always be let down by other human beings, so long as darkness remains in this world.  And though we don’t always know how to face the one in the mirror in truth, we too have let many people down – even if we didn’t realize it.  God is LOVE and in understanding that, we can see the process of him pouring out himself into vessels (into us).  Through our trials.  Through our heartaches and pain, we can know that he will rescue us from ourselves, so long as we’re able to lay it all down and admit our own faults – asking him to forgive us for all our mistakes, and asking him to help us forgive others (who are just as imperfect as we are), because HE forgave us first.

In admitting my bitterness to God, He’s showing me how to turn bitterness into thankfulness.  Even if its just “one” that stands by your side.  That ONE is a gift sent by God to walk with you through the storm.

Who would’ve thought that an apology would lead to a heartfelt conversation with a woman I once thought was so different from me, but yet she faces the same challenges I do in heart-wrenching trials today.  Who would’ve thought that meeting this lady for coffee would lead to a new chapter of healing in my own life – learning to lay down my bitterness before the Lord – in a continued battle to forgive myself as I forgive others…. THANKING the Lord for the ones HE will send to help me, instead of being upset with those that he did not send.  Help doesn’t always come from the places we expect.  And in tragedy we find two cups with the choice of which to drink from “love” or “bitterness”.    I hope this helps someone today find forgiveness in their heart towards another who has let them down.  If you feel hurt, betrayed or alone today.  Its OK to cry.  It’s OK to be angry.  But as you wipe away your tears, don’t let them be in vain.  Ask the Lord to heal your bitterness from the root of where it comes from and to fill your cup with thankfulness, for HE will never leave you.

Lord, today I thank you for the strength you give me in Jesus to carry this cross as far as you may have me go.  I thank you for your gifts in these beautiful children I have and I thank you for my loving husband.  Father, he may be broken right now, but he has me, and I thank you for giving me a new kind of love in my heart – to never forsake Josh as you will never forsake me.  I thank you for planting that same seed in my mother.  You knew how much I’d need her now and you made sure that I would have that ONE person to walk with me through this storm.  Father let me never forget the power of ONE – as only ONE was required to save all, in the selfless act of Jesus Christ who laid down his life for me.  Father, I pray today that all who are hurting and feel abandoned by this cruel world can fill your hand in their lives, your ink on the pages of a story that you will finish and their purpose to carry on because they are precious to you.  I also ask you Lord to continue to give Josh strength, hope and most of all purpose, as he battles with hurt and disappointment that only you can truly understand.  Father, I thank you for showing me the root of my bitterness and the hypocrisy in my own thoughts.  Help me to forgive others as you have forgiven me.  Father paint beauty with my ashes and let this family’s suffering be a testimony that leads others to your beautiful son, Jesus Christ.

Amen.