Why not me??? You ever felt left out when others testify of what Jesus has done in their lives? Or sat in a church as the preacher says “just bow your head and ask the Lord to come into your heart”.. then look around searching for evidence of change but you don’t feel any differently. I remember thinking to myself, what works for others just doesn’t work for me. I don’t have miracles in my life. I don’t have all these blessings others have or the joy of Jesus in my heart.. I’m clapping my hands, but only because everyone else is clapping their hands, I don’t really feel like singing this silly song. I guess I’m just different – not chosen – not good enough…. sadly those inner thoughts were something I never admitted. It was just easier to pretend “yeah I believe.. yeah I know Jesus”… knowing in my heart that I had no conviction or objective evidence of Christ in my life. Was I waiting upon the Lord and didn’t even know it? Or was I just drifting through life with bitterness that my lot wasn’t fair? The word of God says there is an appointed time for everything. Isn’t it odd that even in the life of Jesus himself, he was just a carpenter – seemed like a regular guy until “the appointed time” for His Ministry to begin? And when God spoke from the Heavens over His son Jesus, they didn’t say “yeah! It’s finished. Time to sing and rejoice and throw a party!”… No. At that appointed time Jesus had to be led into the wilderness where he was starving and alone and tempted of the devil for 40 days. If I’m really contemplating that story, and trying to put myself there in his shoes… I would probably be questioning the hand of God on my life.. if God is for me, why am I starving? If God is for me, why am I all alone in the desert? And the devil was whispering “if you’re really the son of God, you’d be able to turn this stone into bread.”… was that not designed to make even Jesus question who he was? Of course it didn’t work.. but the story is amazing.. THE SON OF GOD was starving in the desert with a lying spirit tempting him to question if he was really the son of God. Here’s my point.. how often do we look at others who are leading these “perfect lives” and assume God is blessing them and cursing us? We think that the evidence of Christ in our lives is success and happiness, but that’s never been true biblically. The disciples, the apostles and even Jesus had to endure seasons of great difficulty before receiving the gifts of God’s Holy Spirit to walk with them in their lives.. and when that happened, none of them used those gifts for personal gain – they became servants of others. They sacrificed, they operated in love and their hearts were full of the promise of a kingdom not on this earth but the one to come. I just read some of these stories of the Bible in amazement of how backwards my life philosophies have been all my life. I thought I’d truly know Jesus when I finally found success and happiness.. when I had achieved a place to carry the testimony of my new car and my big house and my excellent health and perfect body (then I could say, hey look what God did, I’m blessed!)…. No. I found Jesus when I was suffocating.. defeated.. stretched beyond my ability to carry on with no strength left in my broken down, eyes swollen shut, fragile body. Today I just want to say thank you LORD for the pain that led me into the wilderness where I had nothing left but YOU… thank you for being my HOPE when there was no hope, my voice when I didn’t have the strength to speak, my eyes when I couldn’t see beyond the destruction and my heart that was shattered and broken so that you could plant a seed and fill it back up with love. 
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