Over the last few days, I’ve felt more vulnerable than ever before in my life. Maybe not on the grand scale of what “we” have endured – but as an individual, crying out for help. Admitting that I’m just not that strong – laying my heart down regardless of what that looks like from another’s point of view.
Over the last few days, I’ve felt overwhelmed by the conversations I’ve had with people I don’t even know. Then today, I remembered a guy that I met while we were living in the hospital named Raymond. He was all alone sitting outside in the courtyard in front of TIRR, flicking a cigarette over the side of his wheelchair.
“How are you today?” I asked him. His eyes lit up as he turned around to look at me. A few minutes later we were caught up in a deep conversation about his life story. Raymond told me about the tragic accident – he’d went in for a surgical procedure and woke up paralyzed from the waist down. His wife left him shortly after. He had no friends or family to care for him. Then he turned to alcohol and drugs and became homeless.
I remember praying over Raymond as this bald-headed, tattoo’d, tough looking guy cried out-loud like a baby. And when I was saying goodbye, Raymond asked me. “How do you know God loves me?”
At the time, I was caught off guard by the question. I didn’t know how to speak for God. I knew that God loved Raymond. I knew that Raymond’s life had a very special purpose – that he’d not yet found. But, who was I to speak in place of the Great Almighty? “Raymond, he’s got you here for a reason.” I explained, half-way avoiding the question to deliver the only truth I was given in that moment.
In the last two years, I’ve experienced God’s love. I’ve felt His presence and felt the fear too – of feeling like He had left me. I’ve had encounters few would believe. And I’ve had messages from Heaven delivered in ways I would never have expected. I know GOD. But, how do I convey that to others?
Others say, “tell people about Jesus! Spread the good news.” For many months now I’ve struggled with what it means to carry my cross and follow Jesus. I’ve spent moments of weakness hanging onto his words – seeking his truth and begging him to tell me my purpose. What do I do God? How do I serve your kingdom? Please, just tell me what you want me to do!
I try to look for opportunities to tell people about Jesus. I research prophecy and follow a number of speakers who hold sermons to talk about the Bible. The more I learn, the more I want to share. But those moments of revelation, when I feel something stirring in my own heart, never seem to carry the power of the Holy Spirit when I regurgitate the things I learn. Until I started writing – not about bible verses or prophecy or lessons I carry away from studying scripture. I started writing about my life.. my testimony. My book suddenly started pouring out effortlessly. And then, I started this blog.
But I felt guilty, realizing that my life looks nothing like the people smiling and singing and clapping that I meet at church… (and i really worried that I might be upsetting God) – What I’m writing goes against everything I’ve been taught about what a Christian life should look like. Something inside of me starting stirring, like a voice that was screaming out “stop pretending you’re OK! Tell the truth. Tell your testimony.” Yet another voice said, “How can you bring people to Jesus if you look like this broken down rag? Who could possibly want what you have?”
God will not let his children by hypocrites. I’m going to type that again because I’m speaking right into my own heart. GOD WILL NOT ALLOW HIS CHILDREN TO BE HYPOCRITES. Jesus cried. Jesus sweat blood from his body as he begged and prayed in terror (trembling), “Father if there is any way possible, please take this cup from me!” Jesus knew sorrow. He knew fear. And Jesus even knew temptation…
Why would it be written that he was tempted of the devil TO JUMP? Seriously consider this…. A temptation is something extremely difficult to overcome – yet I’ve glazed over that story so many times never asking myself, “Why would satan tempt Jesus to jump?” He said, “If you’re the son of God, you know that He will send his angels to catch you.”… so….. is that a good enough reason to jump? No, it’s not. Why would Jesus even be in a position to consider jumping off that cliff? Does the son of GOD, Jesus Christ of Nazareth not understand what it’s like to feel so hopeless, and so sorrowful that he could be tempted with the idea of just ending it all?
I’m just going to leave that out there to linger, and quote Hebrews 4 – “For we have not an high priest which cannot be touched with the feeling of our infirmities; but was in all points tempted like as we are, yet without sin.” Jesus knows how we feel. In the darkest hours of our lives when we can’t even bear the thought of seeing the sun rise on another day, HE KNOWS.
So why do Christians pretend life is so great? Why do we walk through our days, smiling and quoting scriptures – teaching people but refusing to let the Lord teach us – which can only take place when we surrender everything we are at the cross. I just can’t do it anymore. I just can’t live a lie under the eyes of the Almighty Father in Heaven that knows I’m not at all as put together as I try to pretend I am. He knows I’m tempted. He knows I’m broken and suffering greatly. He knows, and if He’s the only one I have to answer to, why would I hide what I really am to try to impress other people? Am I afraid of what the world thinks of me, when the word of God says “To love the world is to have enmity with God?”
Laying myself out there is proving to be an experience that the Lord requires of me at this stage in my life. It’s hard. But it’s also freeing. And most importantly, He’s using my brokenness to bring people to Jesus. In just the last few days, I’ve had meaningful talks with people that need hope. They don’t come to me because I look like my life is perfect. They’re coming to me because I’m bearing my cross and admitting how much I hurt. They know that I understand they’re pain, (and people want to know they aren’t alone – they want to fellowship with someone who can relate to their anguish). I can’t even get through the first 2 minutes of these stories without bursting out into tears – wanting to smother these people with love. I thank the Lord for choosing me to minister to others – that through Him, I can be important to his kingdom, even when on the outside my life looks like a shattered mess.
Raymond asked me.. “How do you know he loves me?” I wish I could talk to Raymond again today. I wish I knew how to reach him, because I finally have the answer to his question. I know God loves Raymond because I love Raymond – and HE who now lives in me, showing me HIS love – allowing me to witness his love first hand, through the eyes that he’s given me to see, HE WHO LOVES RAYMOND has given me the ability to love all the Raymonds out there in this broken world. God is love.
Nothings great. Nothings fixed. Life is hard. But I feel like the Lord is really using me right now for HIS glory, and I wouldn’t trade that feeling for anything. In fact I wish I could share it with everyone.
So my question is, why do Christians do this? Why do we hide away our brokenness and pretend our lives are so perfect? For me, in this season I’m learning to let the world see my weakness, (as Jesus did), and let GOD do the rest…
“Who can have compassion on the ignorant, and on them that are wayward; for he himself also is beset with weakness.” – Hebrews 5:2